James K. Polk wuz robbed

To go from I90 to Mt. Rushmore, you have two options: through the historic-now-casino town of Deadwood, or along Route 16 from Grand Rapids, which runs a gauntlet of waterslides, theme parks, and cave adventures. They culminate in Keystone, one of the world's great repositories of false-front stores, fake lawmen, and women who are paid to stand outside restaurants wearing poorly-fitting hoop skirts and prairie bonnets.

The park, which is five miles further on, contains the famous heads, which were carved from 1927-1941. The artist was monumental sculptor and "bully" patriot Gutzon Borglum. While there, we learned that he selected the presidents based on their work in two key areas: preserving the Republic and expanding its borders. Washington was chosen for defeating the British, Lincoln for defeating the Confederacy, Jefferson for making the Louisiana Purchase, and Teddy Roosevelt for the Spanish American War.

Which brings us to an important point: Borglum made a very unfair selection. What about James K. Polk? He was president during the Mexican War, waged largely to give us the great states of Texas, California, Nevada, and so on. Roosevelt only made only minor lasting contributions. To him, we owe the possession of Guam, the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico, and our famous naval base at Guantanamo Bay. Bully for him. Polk gave us Las Vegas and Hollywood. Where is the equity?

The mountain is smaller than you might imagine, and it's been photographed so often, no description is going to add much. However, it has a gift shop that is too little mentioned in history.

The Mt. Rushmore Gift Shop is one of the great wonders of the world. Although only the size of a drug store, it has nonetheless managed to put the four presidents on every possible knickknack imaginable. In addition to spoons, paperweights, postcards, T-shirts, dinner plates, and such standard fare, it has extended kitsch to entirely new classes of commodities. I know what you're thinking. Presidential bobbleheads. It goes way beyond that. There's Mt. Rushmore needle point, paint sets, snowglobe refrigerator magnets, buckskin bags, baseball and bat sets, cribbage games, backgammon tables, stuffed presidential animals, shot glasses, wine glasses, multishot viewfinders, slide shows (who the hell has a slide projector these days?), pens with stone carvings of all four heads, and my personal favorite: the Mt. Rushmore Dig Experience. This toy consists of a piece of sandstone, a hammer, a chisel, plans for carving your own miniature Mt. Rushmore, and a pair of safety glasses. Just what every boy needs.

As you can probably tell, we left Mt. Rushmore in a great mood. Some of you will be receiving Mt. Rushmore tealight-holders soon.